What Your Taste in Music Says About You

Your musical tastes are reflective and complex. You are intellectual to the point of being cerebral. You are very open to new experiences, and even more open to new ideas and theories. Wisdom and personal accomplishment are important to you. You are naturally sophisticated. You are drawn to art, especially art by independent artists. You are likely to be financially well off... and not because you were born that way.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is low. You see love as a gift that you should give to many. It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time... Let alone one person for the rest of your life! Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship.. Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

I don't know what to think about that one.

Got a kitten.

It's kinda weird. All the random odd conversations I would have with Colin when I first moved here have kinda been transfered to people like Shawn or Karin or Matt.

I officially need a life outside of work. Oh right, that's fucking impossible not because I'm always working, but because I always open at work. So even if I'm not getting 40 hours a week the fact remains I need to wake up before 5:30 six days a week.

P.S. Today was the first day I worked all week where I didn't get ill is some form or another. Actually Shawn hugged me and was like "I heard what happened yesterday." ... It was Shawn's day off yesterday, I'm rather creeped out that the work grapevine is talking about me enough that he heard about what happened when he didn't even come in to work.

Drinking a 747 on an empty stomach will lead to a prayer session directed toward the porcelain god.

I've been feeling lonely a lot lately.
This may be normal for most people, but I've always been very comfortable when alone, I enjoy the quiet, and if I craved company chances were it was the company of someone specific, a friend or family member. But recently it's just been "I don't want to be alone". I don't really do anything about it, mostly I suspect because I don't really know how to. Logically I know I should seek out human contact a such times. But I'm not used to just calling people up and being like "Want to hang out?" Besides it feels like such a commitment to do so, like now I have to spend the whole night with people, I can't just go over hang out for an hour or so, then come home. I always end up staying out longer than I want or should.
But to just be like "Alright I'm going now" seems wrong, like I'm using my friends, like they are there simply for my benefit and when I'm done with them I can just cast them aside.

Ugh.

Had a weird conversation about water fowl today.

Shawn started saying "You're such a lark!" to me at work. Finally told him I don't think it means what he thinks it means. Turns out he meant 'lark' as in the song bird. Which to be fair to both of us, is both valid and not what the saying means.

I suspect he's going to try to make "lark" my nick name. I'm mildly amused.

I'm not convinced I want to get out of bed. Let's look at my sleep 'patterns' of the last week.

Thursday Night - Sleep well, maybe a little light because I'm excited for the weekend.
Friday Night - My (4:30) alarm goes off before sleep. It goes off before some other stuff as well, probably don't actually fall asleep until maybe... 6/7? Sleep very lightly, wake up around 12 Saturday morning.
Saturday Night - Fall asleep maybe around three? Am woken up by alarm briefly at 4:30. Sleep slightly better, though still rather light. Wake up around 8 Sunday morning
Sunday Night - Had an exhausted nap, was routinely woken up by Room mate. Stay up until 11ish talking on MSN. Wake up at 4:30 Monday morning.
Monday Night - Visit Leslie until like 10. Go to bed around 11:30. Wake up at 4:30 Tuesday morning.
Tuesday Night - HG Party, don't go home until like 3/3:30 ish. Wake up at 4:30 Wednesday morning, get ready for work, literally have everything done, hat, shoes etc, with twenty minutes left before I need to leave. Sit on couch. Sleep another hour.
Wednesday Night - Zonk out around four pm, get up for half an hour at seven pm, then again at 5 am.

I've been in bed for around 16 hours now. But I'm not sure I've caught up on my sleep. I don't know when my next day off will be. I want to make this one count lol very rarely do I get a chance to actually sleep more on my days off I find. This is lovely.

"Remember when we met... in church?"
"Yea... Church times were fun."

I don't know what those sliding swings are called, but after playing around on one the other night my arms are so sore. Opening doors has become painful, I literally stare at the door for several minutes before working up the courage to lift my arm up, grasp the handle, turn the handle and open the door.

So today at work Shawn came to the conclusion that when I told him I know someone has a crush on him, I meant me.
I did not mean me, however I'm mildly surprised it took him this long to come to that conclusion.
I'm not interested in Shawn that way, he's more or less nailed to the 'friends' ladder as far as I'm concerned, though I reserve the right to change my mind at a later date.
However I don't really feel like putting too much effort into getting that point across, partly because, if he wants to think that, there's very little harm in letting him. And partly because it always kinda seems like the more vehemently you deny something like that, the more truth there is to it.

I've been feeling anxious lately. I think it's cause I don't get a chance to just talk to people anymore, every time I see anyone it's like "OMG! A friend!" You talk and stuff, but it's almost like there's pressure to get a bunch of stuff out at once, it's not the lazy companionable conversation that can take place when you see someone often, and know you will see them again in the near future.

In other news I'm trying to make stew for supper. I don't know how that's going to go. I've never made a stew before, and I decided to forgo an actual recipe in favour of trying to figure it out on my own.

So... tired... shouldn't fall asleep... until night fall...
Damn drugs. Damn working Saturday mornings. Damn bump on my head.

Just made the mistake of telling my sister I never studied in High School. She seems so impressed and I'm left trying to back track going "No, I didn't do well in school! I'm not saying don't study! Study! Study god damn it!"

It's an easy pattern to get into really. Work, relax, sleep. No time for active fun, no real social life, but it doesn't really seem to matter much, because I'm not unhappy.
I'm getting to really like the people I work with, more so than at Country Style, probably because I fit in with them better than the girls at Country Style lol. Well that being said I really only ever work with Shawn, Karin, Nella, sometimes Matt and Dan (but then only for an hour or so), and the Management crew... and really when I say "the people I work with" I mean Shawn and Karin.
Nella is sweet, don't get me wrong, and I love my bosses and all (incidentally, only found out yesterday that one of them is named "Dino" not "Tino"), but when it comes to an eight hour shift, I'd rather just be left alone with Karin and Shawn.
Shawn can take my teasing like a champ, and Karin is always willing to lend a hand and offer interesting insights. We've made tentative plans to go to the pub at some point in the future (I'm not worried about getting in as we'd be going at like four in the afternoon, probably in the middle of the week lol) after work.

I do still miss my other friends, but I've been seeing them a little more lately, so it's not too bad. Still kinda struggling to pay off the money I owe various people/things, but it's so much more doable now that I'm back to making over 1K a month (I know it's not a lot, and I know I made over twice that at the warehouse in november, but it's a steady income and something I can work with, also hopefully something that will grow a bit when I get a raise which I do expect at some point)

I e-mailed a newspaper yesterday about a listing I saw on Craigslist, they are looking for part time writers, I figured I'd drop them a line asking if they were still looking and if so what I needed to send them in way of writing samples. I figure it can't hurt to contact them, and if they are looking, and they actually consider me, well that's awesome. It wouldn't interfere with my current job, and to get experience writing for an actual (if not-for-profit) newspaper? Awesome.

Noah let me know the other day that he plans on coming to Toronto for "Can't Stop The Serenity" but I can't quite make myself get excited about it until he either a) tells me he bought his bus ticket or b) shows up at my door.

I don't know what else to say. Life isn't great, but it's good, and promises to get better.

I have a lot of thinking to do. For the time being most of it revolves around my life, and next year.

I've just finished a three week stint working two jobs, which was fun. The thing is, I like the people at those jobs, but I had no time to breath, I barely found time to shower (and always at the expense of my sleep) I had no life.
The only person I've had contact with during those three weeks that I didn't work with was John. And that's made me rethink my prospects for next year. He's started treating me badly again. And I'll admit, that I let him, but it's because I've been far too exhausted to do otherwise. Now that I've got time again I'm thinking "Do I really want another year of this?" I know I could go to Petra and be like "I can't do it. I don't want to live with him." And she might be a little angry but she'd go with it. And another part of me knows the dynamics will change if there's three of us. And the money... I don't know if I want to lose that resource. I'll have to explain what a favour is to John though something like "When I do you a favour, and it doesn't turn out exactly like you wanted, you can't get mad at me for it, since I didn't have to do anything in the first place." and "If you ask me to do a favour, and I say no, once again, you can't get mad at me, it's not your right to have favours done for you."
And he gets angry at me for getting angry at him! You can't win with that!
Plus I think he takes my silences to mean I can't come up with any logical responses when really he'll say something only an insane person would say and you look at him and see that he truly believes it, and if that's true there's no response you can give, because you know it won't matter.

People keep inviting me to parties I can't go to, which is just so depressing. Because there's the fact that you can't go to a party, one you wanted to go to. And then you hear about how fun it was, and people look at you angrily (in jest) for not going, and that makes you feel worse. It just sucks.

Speaking of parties Cheryl's fiftieth was one I did get to go to. Which was fun. I got to see Darron, I swear she glows now. And I'm so happy for her. Being around her always stirs up a lot of different and conflicting emotions for me as I've probably mentioned many many times before. I wish I could go with her, see how she's living now, live that life, look out for her, laugh with her, just... be. She was born in the wrong decade I think.

And I haven't seen any of my friends, I miss my friends I feel like crying half the time. I'm being so dramatic it makes me sick.

I hate not having a life, I miss my friends, one more week.

Yesterday I lost two hundred dollars. So basically I can't eat for two weeks to make up for my stupidity.